The Very Worst of Denise Duhamel

This travesty of originality speaks for itself:

Do not swallow.
If you accidentally swallow this poem, contact a Poison Control Center
...immediately.
Do not read this poem while sleeping.
If you consume 3 or more alcoholic drinks everyday, consult your doctor before
...reading this poem as a pain reliever.
This poem is not for use with the browning unit of your conventional oven.
Never place this poem in a microwave.


This poem may cause stomach bleeding.
In case of bleeding, consult a doctor promptly.
Do not take this poem by mouth or place in nostrils.
Do not put this poem into the rectum by using fingers or any mechanical device
...or applicator.
Avoid contact with open wounds.
Do not read this poem for persistent or chronic cough.
If symptoms persist for more than seven days, discontinue reading this poem
...and consult your doctor.
Do not place this poem in any container in which you are heating water.
Do not apply this poem to broken or irritated skin.
In case of serious burns or animal bites, do not read this poem. Consult a
...hospital.
If you are pregnant or nursing a baby, seek the advice of a health care worker
...before reading this poem.
This poem has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This
...poem is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.


This poem is not intended for weight reduction.
A very small percentage of readers may develop a sensitivity to this poem. This
...sensitivity may result in an allergic reaction.
This poem may contain nuts or nut fragments.
This poem contains caffeine.
This poem contains phenylketonurics which contains phenylalanine.
This poem contains 21-28.7% mercury. Reading it may cause serious mercury
...poisoning.
This poem contains saccharin which has been determined to cause cancer
...in laboratory animals.
This poem contains ical known to cause birth defects.


Read this poem only in well ventilated areas.
Avoid fire, flame, or smoking while reading this poem.
As with most poems, electrical parts of this poem are electrically live even when
The poem is not being read. To reduce risk of death, always "unplug it"
...after use.
Do not read while bathing.
Do not place or store where poem can fall or be pulled into tub, toilet, or sink.
If this poem falls into water, do not reach into water to retrieve it.
This poem may explode or leak and cause burn injury if disposed of in fire,
...mixed with poems of different types, or disassembled.
This poem contains liquid and vapors which may ignite.
Never spray and pull poems apart at the same time as this action creates static
...which in itself is an electrical charge which could possibly ignite.
Do not puncture this poem.
Do not attempt to iron this poem or any poem while it is being worn on a body.


Rinse this poem thoroughly before reading it. Defrost.
Always shake well before reading.
Read with food.
Read on an empty stomach.
After opening this poem, read it within seven days.
Do not turn this poem upside down before reading.
Refrigerate after reading.
Read at room temperature.
Read in a cool dry place.


Do not read in temperatures above 120 degrees F as poem may burst.
Do not attempt to drive or operate heavy machinery while reading this poem.
Deliberately concentrating and inhaling the contents of this poem can be harmful
...or fatal.
Read only as directed. Entering this poem into the ear canal could cause injury.
The red tip is to remind you not to put this poem in your eye. If accidental
...contact with eyes occurs, immediately put down this poem and flush eyes
...with water.


Read liberally to the affected area.
Do not read more than three times a day.
For external use only. If rash develops, discontinue reading.
Avoid reading this poem if you have skin prone to spider veins and/or skin
...which is sensitive to peel-off face masks.
If the reading of this poem is accompanied by fever, headache, swelling, nausea,
...or vomiting, stop reading immediately.

Do not read to children under twelve years of age.
Supervise any children over six who read poems.
For children under two, use only a pea size amount of this poem.
Consult your pediatrician before reading to children under six months.
Keep poems away from baby's nose and mouth.
Keep this and all poems out of the reach of children.
The reading of this poem does not enable you to fly.

No kidding.